I don’t even know what to say anymore
January 28th, 2007
A freewrite explaining why I am dead:
If you would like to hear a happy post about ponies and techno music, please read a different blog. All you’ll find here is another losers explanation of how much he loses. If you feel compelled to reiterate that I am a loser as a comment, feel free.
Whether you hate me or not, you’re my friend or not, I ask you to read this post and not form opinions until you’ve read the whole thing. Thanks.
When did this happen? When did my writing become so bland, so coarse, so disgusting? I cannot even read my own thoughts and preserve any sense of respect. I’ve lost the respect of myself, and the respect of you. None of my words convey emotion, they’re just statements followed by more statements. No passion, no heart, just a frothy useless substance. I should change the title from “still unimpressive” to “even worse than before“. It’s been months since I’ve written a long post. That doesn’t mean I can write more efficiently but that I simply have run out of ideas. I’ve lost. I am the loser. If you are still reading this, then thank you, I appreciate your care, or hatred, I don’t know. I’ll say to you what I said to Jessica. I’ve completely degraded, I’ve went from a person on the path to a future, to chasing something that doesn’t belong to me. I’ve searched all around, spent all my money, but now I’ve lost all things precious to me and received nothing for my efforts. Efforts? Why do I call it efforts? They are pathetic. Pathetic attempts at being who I am not, at doing what I can’t. I used to write, now I only complain. If I were you, I’d hate Eric too. That rhymes =P. I can’t rhyme. Everyday I seem to have a new reason to bitch huh? I wish I can be as a good a friend to you as you’ve been to me. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes academically, socially, and personally over the last few months and especially in the last few weeks. I want you to know that I’m going to get better. I’m going to fix everything. The more I be myself worse I become. I won’t be myself tomorrow. I’ll be myself once Eric Zhang is someone who I’d want to be. Try harder. Mind over matter. Asian advice, advice that I will follow because everything else has failed. For Asian guys, I must say overconfidence is not a good thing. Before everyone tells me to look at Richard let me explain to you my situation. It is probably well known that I had about 2, or rather exactly 2 friends from 4th grade through most of 8th grade. I’ve always been shy. Always felt inferior and embarrassed to everything. As high school approached I met new people, people that persuaded me that the only way to get what I want is to be strong and have the esteem to take it. My change before freshman year is probably one of the greatest events in my life. Suddenly I had more friends, more ideas, more feelings, more life. As the years progressed to this year, my uptight suckiness has made me more and more into a person that I am not, the person that I am today. I look too highly of my lack of ability. There is no reason for me to feel better than any one else at this school. I am an idiot. I see today, perhaps I am wrong, but I see that it is not confidence that earns respect or credulity but charisma. Of course confident people are more charismatic but it isn’t necessary to be superior to everyone to be charismatic. So all this leads up to one moment, one sentence, one idea. I have become so dissident to who Eric Zhang truly is that I can no longer accept myself that way I am.
And that is why I write this post. Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. I think I feel better now.
January 29th, 2007 at 12:19 am
I don’t really know what kind of comments you were expecting to get from that post, but i’ll leave my two cents anyway. I knew you for golly a year i think? and we were never really best buddies or anything, but you’re one person who i will never regret calling a friend. you’re a better friend than you give yourself credit for because you’re loyal to the people who you care about, and thats more than most people. besides, i doubt i’ll ever have another friend who’ll say they’ll meet me every thursday after school at the library… and then actually show up.
so take that how you will.
January 29th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Don’t degrade yourself too badly; I mean, you still do many things that many of us think is not possible. To say that confidence invites charisma is not entirely true, those who are confident, such as me at times, are true idiots. People like me do not prosper in most cases, I mean, my spelling sucks, but even if my math or science is sup par, would I still be a good person with everyone else? I know that I brag a lot, something that I really need to change, and that many people do not really enjoy my company. You are a way better person than I could ever be, don’t kill yourself for small things. Your life is made up of an infinite set of probabilities, each waiting to be triggered before the next can happen. Don’t worry too much, relax and look at the surrounding, you’ll find something you like eventually.
January 29th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
::pat pat::
Who is Eric Zhang? Uber-programmer, awesome friend, ramen-stealer.
You need to relax a bit, man. Close the notebook for a few minutes and take some time to just… do nothing really. I should be the one panicking like hell. =/
January 30th, 2007 at 1:44 pm
Dude… you’re setting yourself at the bottom of the Tier system… Just relax, your life is stressful I can sympathize with that, but stop degrading yourself unnecessarily,
you’re much better than a lot of other people.
Just relax… and stop QQing.
January 30th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
i agree with everyone here that you are waaay too hard on yourself. you are doing so much better in school, in every aspect, than like, 99% of the people i know. you actually have an excuse to relax, we should be the ones scurrying around frantically, trying to get > 4.0 gpas. so… just breathe. =]
January 31st, 2007 at 9:47 pm
omgah. my second time typing a friggn stupid comment. im so pissed. it disappeared.
so ima put in a few words myself ya dig.
eric, obviously a whole lotta people care about you. they like you for who you are, have been, and very probably , will be. of course, ur not always the chillest kid around, but i gotta admit, youre cool! cool enough to be my friend, and thats pretty cool. lifes not treating you well right now, get over it. you think its a piece of cake for everyone? take ur sucker outta ur mouth and grow up, grow some balls to face the real world, it aint gonna conform to what you want. its hard, so you work hard, but smile. or else lifes not life. okay? when ur being uptight, put on ur stunna shades and lookat that frikn path of urs thru a different color. maybe its not easy right now, but frowning and crying and thinking bad things isnt gonna make it a load better AND you lose friends AND you lose confidence, whatever confidnece you have left. please, for all your friends and yourself, smile, let some tension go before an earthquake happens in the bay area.
stop being so frikkn deep about small things! ur doing fine! geez.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:03 pm
dayum…. jessayycaa is a G :]