still unimpressive

A freewrite explaining why I am dead:

If you would like to hear a happy post about ponies and techno music, please read a different blog. All you’ll find here is another losers explanation of how much he loses. If you feel compelled to reiterate that I am a loser as a comment, feel free.

Whether you hate me or not, you’re my friend or not, I ask you to read this post and not form opinions until you’ve read the whole thing. Thanks.

When did this happen? When did my writing become so bland, so coarse, so disgusting? I cannot even read my own thoughts and preserve any sense of respect. I’ve lost the respect of myself, and the respect of you. None of my words convey emotion, they’re just statements followed by more statements. No passion, no heart, just a frothy useless substance. I should change the title from “still unimpressive” to “even worse than before“. It’s been months since I’ve written a long post. That doesn’t mean I can write more efficiently but that I simply have run out of ideas. I’ve lost. I am the loser. If you are still reading this, then thank you, I appreciate your care, or hatred, I don’t know. I’ll say to you what I said to Jessica. I’ve completely degraded, I’ve went from a person on the path to a future, to chasing something that doesn’t belong to me. I’ve searched all around, spent all my money, but now I’ve lost all things precious to me and received nothing for my efforts. Efforts? Why do I call it efforts? They are pathetic. Pathetic attempts at being who I am not, at doing what I can’t. I used to write, now I only complain. If I were you, I’d hate Eric too. That rhymes =P. I can’t rhyme. Everyday I seem to have a new reason to bitch huh? I wish I can be as a good a friend to you as you’ve been to me. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes academically, socially, and personally over the last few months and especially in the last few weeks. I want you to know that I’m going to get better. I’m going to fix everything. The more I be myself worse I become. I won’t be myself tomorrow. I’ll be myself once Eric Zhang is someone who I’d want to be. Try harder. Mind over matter. Asian advice, advice that I will follow because everything else has failed. For Asian guys, I must say overconfidence is not a good thing. Before everyone tells me to look at Richard let me explain to you my situation. It is probably well known that I had about 2, or rather exactly 2 friends from 4th grade through most of 8th grade. I’ve always been shy. Always felt inferior and embarrassed to everything. As high school approached I met new people, people that persuaded me that the only way to get what I want is to be strong and have the esteem to take it. My change before freshman year is probably one of the greatest events in my life. Suddenly I had more friends, more ideas, more feelings, more life. As the years progressed to this year, my uptight suckiness has made me more and more into a person that I am not, the person that I am today. I look too highly of my lack of ability. There is no reason for me to feel better than any one else at this school. I am an idiot. I see today, perhaps I am wrong, but I see that it is not confidence that earns respect or credulity but charisma. Of course confident people are more charismatic but it isn’t necessary to be superior to everyone to be charismatic. So all this leads up to one moment, one sentence, one idea. I have become so dissident to who Eric Zhang truly is that I can no longer accept myself that way I am.

And that is why I write this post. Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. I think I feel better now.